What to Do When You're Not Attracted to Your Partner Anymore

This is one of the most terrifying realizations you can have in a relationship: you look at your partner—someone you love, someone you've built a life with—and you feel... nothing. No spark. No desire. Maybe even a vague sense of repulsion that makes you feel like a terrible person for even thinking it.

You're not a terrible person. And you're not alone.

Loss of attraction in long-term relationships is incredibly common, even though nobody talks about it at dinner parties. It's one of those silent relationship crises that people Google at 2 AM, wondering if this means their relationship is over, if they've fallen out of love, or if they're broken somehow.

Here's the truth: sometimes attraction fades temporarily and can be rebuilt. Sometimes it's a symptom of deeper relationship issues that need addressing. And sometimes, yes, it's a sign that the relationship has run its course.

Let's figure out which one you're dealing with—and what to do about it.

Understanding What Attraction Actually Is

Before we panic about losing attraction, it helps to understand what attraction is in the first place—especially in long-term relationships.

Initial attraction is largely chemical. When you first meet someone, your brain floods with dopamine, norepinephrine, and other neurochemicals that create that intoxicating feeling of obsession and desire. You can't stop thinking about them. Everything they do is fascinating. You want them constantly.

This is not sustainable. Nor is it supposed to be. That initial chemical cocktail typically lasts anywhere from a few months to about two years. It's nature's way of getting you bonded long enough to commit.

Long-term attraction is different. It's less about constant fire and more about sustained warmth. It's built on emotional intimacy, respect, shared experiences, and conscious choice. The butterflies give way to something deeper—but also something that requires more active maintenance.

When people say they've "lost attraction," they're usually mourning the loss of that initial intensity. They're comparing their current reality to how things felt in the beginning, and finding it lacking. But comparing year five to month two is comparing entirely different states.

That said, there's a difference between "this is different from the honeymoon phase" and "I genuinely feel no desire for this person anymore." We need to figure out which one you're experiencing.

Is This Normal or Is This a Problem?

Ask yourself these questions honestly:

Do you still feel love and affection for your partner?

If you're not sexually attracted but you still feel warmth, care, and emotional connection, that's different from not being attracted because you've emotionally checked out of the relationship entirely.

Has attraction faded gradually or suddenly?

Gradual fading is more common and often related to relationship dynamics or life stress. Sudden loss of attraction might be tied to a specific event, discovery, or change in your partner.

Are you attracted to other people?

If your sex drive is gone entirely, that's potentially a medical or mental health issue. If you're attracted to others but not your partner, that tells you something different about what's happening.

Is there unresolved conflict or resentment?

It's nearly impossible to feel sexually attracted to someone you're angry at or hurt by. If you've got built-up resentment, that's likely killing your desire.

Have you or your partner changed significantly?

Physical changes (weight gain, hygiene issues, health problems), personality changes, or lifestyle changes can all impact attraction. This doesn't make you shallow—it makes you human.

Are you putting any effort into maintaining attraction?

Attraction in long-term relationships requires cultivation. If you've both stopped trying—stopped dressing up, stopped flirting, stopped being playful—attraction naturally fades.

When It's Temporary and Fixable

In many cases, loss of attraction is a symptom of relationship neglect or life circumstances, not a fundamental incompatibility. Here are scenarios where attraction can often be rekindled:

When you're overwhelmed by life stress.

Jobs, kids, financial pressure, health issues—when you're in survival mode, sexual attraction takes a back seat. Your nervous system is in fight-or-flight, not rest-and-digest. Once the stressor resolves or you find better coping mechanisms, attraction often returns.

When you've fallen into a roommate dynamic.

You're managing logistics, splitting chores, parenting together—but you're not connecting as romantic or sexual partners. You've forgotten how to relate to each other outside of the practical. This is fixable with intentional effort to recreate romantic and sexual connection.

When resentment is getting in the way.

Unresolved conflict, unmet needs, or feeling taken for granted will absolutely kill attraction. But if you're willing to address the underlying issues—through better communication, couples therapy, or relationship work—desire can resurface.

When you've stopped investing in the relationship.

If you used to flirt, plan dates, prioritize intimacy, and express appreciation—and you've stopped doing all of that—attraction fades. But the behaviors that created attraction in the first place can recreate it.

When mental or physical health issues are interfering.

Depression, anxiety, hormonal changes, medication side effects, chronic pain, or exhaustion can tank libido and attraction. Addressing the underlying health issue often restores desire.

How to Rebuild Attraction

If you've determined that the loss of attraction is situational rather than fundamental, here's how to work on rebuilding it:

Address the underlying issues first.

You can't manufacture attraction if there's unresolved resentment, if you're barely speaking to each other, or if one of you has betrayed trust. Relationship repair has to come before sexual rekindling.

This might mean couples therapy. It might mean having difficult conversations about unmet needs. It might mean apologizing for ways you've hurt each other. Don't skip this step.

Recreate novelty and adventure.

Novelty triggers dopamine, which is crucial for attraction. Do things together that are new, exciting, or slightly challenging. Travel somewhere you've never been. Try a new activity. Get out of your routine.

The point isn't to manufacture fake excitement—it's to give your brain the conditions under which attraction flourishes.

Prioritize non-sexual physical intimacy.

If you've stopped touching each other except during sex (or attempts at sex), start rebuilding physical connection without the pressure of it leading anywhere. Hold hands. Cuddle on the couch. Give massages. Kiss without expectation.

Physical touch releases oxytocin, which builds emotional bonding and can reignite physical attraction over time.

Spend time apart.

This sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes you need distance to remember what you miss about someone. Pursue individual hobbies. Spend time with friends separately. Give each other space to be full human beings outside of the relationship.

You can't miss someone who's always there. A little healthy separation can restore desire.

Focus on what you do find attractive.

Where you put your attention matters. If you're constantly cataloging everything about your partner that turns you off, you're reinforcing those neural pathways. Instead, actively notice things you do find appealing—their kindness, their humor, their intelligence, the way they look when they're doing something they love.

This isn't about lying to yourself. It's about choosing where to direct your focus.

Take care of yourselves individually.

Attraction requires both people feeling good about themselves. If you've let self-care slide—stopped exercising, stopped dressing in ways that make you feel attractive, stopped pursuing interests—work on that. When you feel good about yourself, you're more likely to feel desire.

And gently encourage your partner to do the same, not because you're demanding they change, but because you want them to feel good too.

Reintroduce flirting and playfulness.

Remember when you used to flirt with each other? When you'd text during the day with something suggestive? When you'd tease and play? Bring that back. Flirting isn't just for new relationships—it's maintenance for long-term ones.

Schedule intimacy (yes, again with this advice).

We know, it sounds unromantic. But when you're trying to rebuild sexual connection, scheduled intimacy creates space for desire to show up. You're not scheduling sex necessarily—you're scheduling time to be close, to touch, to be present with each other physically.

Attraction often follows action. Sometimes you need to start being intimate to remember why you're attracted, not wait to feel attracted before being intimate.

When It Might Not Be Fixable

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, attraction doesn't return. Here are signs that the loss might be permanent:

When your partner has fundamentally changed in ways you can't accept.

People do change over time. Sometimes those changes are incompatible with what you need in a partner. If your partner has become someone you genuinely don't respect or admire, attraction may not be retrievable.

When there's been a betrayal you can't move past.

Infidelity, major lies, or other trust violations sometimes create a permanent shift in how you see your partner. You might forgive, but you can't forget—and the attraction doesn't survive the broken trust.

When you realize you were never truly compatible.

Sometimes people get together for the wrong reasons—chemistry, convenience, timing, social pressure—and years later realize they're not actually compatible. The initial attraction masked fundamental differences that can't be bridged.

When you've done the work and nothing has changed.

If you've addressed underlying issues, tried to rebuild connection, given it time and genuine effort, and still feel nothing—that's important information. You can't force attraction into existence through willpower alone.

When you're staying out of obligation rather than desire.

If the only reason you're still trying is because you feel you "should," because leaving feels too hard, or because you don't want to hurt your partner—but there's no genuine desire to make it work—that's worth examining honestly.

Having the Conversation

If you've realized that the loss of attraction is serious and needs to be addressed, you need to talk to your partner. This is terrifying, but it's necessary.

Be honest but kind. You don't need to be brutal. "I've been struggling with feeling disconnected from you physically" is different from "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Focus on your feelings and your experience, not accusations about them.

Take ownership of your part. If you've contributed to the dynamic (and you probably have), acknowledge that. "I know I've been distant" or "I haven't been investing in us the way I should."

Propose solutions, not just problems. Don't just announce that attraction is gone and leave them to sit with that. Come with ideas: "I think we need couples therapy," "I want us to prioritize time together," "Can we work on this together?"

Be open to their perspective. They might be feeling the same way and be relieved you brought it up. Or they might be blindsided. Listen to their experience without getting defensive.

The Hard Truth

Here's what we need you to know: you're not obligated to stay in a relationship where there's no attraction. Commitment and love matter, but so does your own happiness and fulfillment.

At the same time, every long-term relationship goes through periods where attraction wanes. If you leave every time desire dips, you'll never experience the depth that comes from working through difficult seasons together.

The question is: has attraction dipped temporarily, or has it disappeared permanently?

Only you can answer that. But you owe it to yourself and your partner to figure it out honestly rather than staying in limbo, going through the motions while feeling increasingly disconnected.

Attraction matters. Physical connection matters. You're allowed to want those things in your relationship. And you're also allowed to work to rebuild them if they've faded.

What you're not allowed to do is pretend everything is fine while quietly checking out. That's not fair to either of you.

So get honest. Get help if you need it. Put in the work if the relationship is worth saving. And if it's not? Give yourself permission to acknowledge that too.

You deserve a relationship where you actually want the person you're with. And so do they.

Struggling to reconnect with your partner?

Download the Coelle app for expert guidance on rebuilding intimacy, addressing relationship challenges, and having difficult conversations with empathy and honesty. Because sometimes love needs active work to thrive.