Why You Should Talk Dirty (Even If It Feels Awkward)

Let's be honest: the idea of talking during sex makes a lot of people want to crawl under the covers and hide. You're worried you'll sound ridiculous. You'll kill the mood. You'll say something that makes your partner laugh (and not in a good way). Or worse, you'll try to sound sexy and end up sounding like a bad porn parody.

We get it. Dirty talk feels vulnerable in a way that physical intimacy somehow doesn't. You're putting words to desires, making yourself heard, risking sounding silly or being rejected. It's easier to just stay quiet.

But here's what you're missing out on: talking during sex—whether it's full-on dirty talk or just verbal communication—can transform your intimate life. It deepens connection, heightens arousal, helps you both get what you want, and yes, it can be incredibly hot.

Even if it feels awkward at first.

Why Talking During Sex Matters

It tells your partner what you want.

Mind reading is not a real skill, no matter how long you've been together. Your partner cannot know that you want them to go slower, harder, more to the left, or that what they're doing right now is absolutely perfect—unless you tell them.

Verbal feedback during sex is the difference between okay sex and great sex. It's how you guide each other toward more pleasure, more connection, and more satisfaction.

It keeps you present.

When you're verbalizing what you're feeling or what you want, you're automatically more engaged with the experience. You're less likely to drift into mental grocery lists or worry spirals. Words anchor you in the moment and in your body.

It heightens arousal for both of you.

Hearing your partner express desire, pleasure, or need is incredibly arousing. It's validation that you're having an effect on them. And for the person speaking? Putting words to your desire often intensifies it. There's something about saying "I want you" out loud that makes you want them even more.

It builds intimacy and trust.

Being vulnerable enough to express what you want, what feels good, or what you're thinking during sex requires trust. When your partner responds with enthusiasm rather than judgment, it deepens your connection. Over time, this kind of communication makes you both feel safer being fully yourselves during intimacy.

It expands your sexual repertoire.

Dirty talk opens doors. Once you're comfortable saying what you want, you can explore fantasies, suggest new things to try, or play with power dynamics in ways that would be difficult without words. Communication is how you move from routine sex to adventurous sex.

What "Dirty Talk" Actually Means

Here's the thing: dirty talk doesn't have to mean performing like a porn star or memorizing scripted lines. For most people, effective "dirty talk" is actually much simpler and more authentic than that.

It exists on a spectrum:

Level 1: Basic communication

• "That feels really good"

• "Right there, yes"

• "A little slower"

• "Can you touch me here?"

Level 2: Expressing desire and appreciation

• "I love when you do that"

• "You feel so good"

• "I've been thinking about this all day"

• "I love your body"

Level 3: More explicit description

• "I love how you taste"

• "You're so hard/wet"

• "I want to feel you inside me"

• "The way you touch me drives me crazy"

Level 4: Fantasy and role-play

• Describing what you want to do to them or have done to you

• Playing with power dynamics ("tell me what you want," "you're mine")

• Bringing in fantasy scenarios

You don't have to jump to level 4. Most people are perfectly satisfied staying in levels 1-3, and honestly, that's where most of the benefit comes from anyway. The point isn't to perform—it's to communicate and connect.

Getting Over the Awkwardness

Start outside the bedroom.

Don't try dirty talk for the first time in the middle of sex. That's setting yourself up for performance anxiety. Instead, start with text messages. Send your partner something simple during the day: "I can't stop thinking about last night" or "I'm really looking forward to getting you alone later."

Texting gives you time to craft your words without the pressure of immediate response. It's training wheels for verbal communication.

Begin with simple feedback.

The easiest entry point into talking during sex is just telling your partner what feels good in the moment. A simple "yes" or "that's perfect" or "don't stop" isn't dirty talk per se, but it's verbal communication during sex, and it feels natural because it's just honest feedback.

Once you're comfortable with that, you can build from there.

Ask questions.

If saying explicit things feels too vulnerable, start by asking questions. "Do you like this?" "Does this feel good?" "Do you want me to keep going?" Questions invite your partner to talk too, which takes some pressure off you and creates a dialogue rather than a performance.

Use their words as a template.

If your partner says something that turns you on, you can echo it back or build on it. If they say "you feel so good," you can respond with "you feel amazing" or "I love being inside you/feeling you inside me." You're not starting from scratch—you're responding to something they've already put out there.

Give yourself permission to laugh.

You're probably going to feel silly sometimes. You might say something that sounds ridiculous. That's okay. Sex doesn't have to be serious and dramatic. If you say something awkward, laugh about it together and keep going. The willingness to be a little silly with each other is actually incredibly intimate.

Practice when you're alone.

This might sound weird, but saying things out loud when you're by yourself can help. During masturbation, try verbalizing what you're feeling or what you're imagining. Getting comfortable hearing your own voice talk about sex makes it less jarring to do it with a partner.

What to Actually Say (And When)

During foreplay:

• "I love touching you like this"

• "You're so beautiful/handsome"

• "I've been wanting this all day"

• "Tell me what you want"

• "Can I [specific action]?"

During sex:

• "You feel incredible"

• "Yes, just like that"

• "Harder/slower/don't stop"

• "I love watching you/being with you like this"

• "You're making me feel so good"

Building toward climax:

• "I'm getting close"

• "I want you to come"

• "Don't stop, I'm almost there"

• "Come with me"

• "You're going to make me come"

After:

• "That was amazing"

• "I loved when you [specific thing they did]"

• "You're incredible"

• "I love being with you like this"

Notice that none of these require you to be a creative writer or a performer. They're simple, honest expressions of what you're feeling and experiencing. That's all dirty talk needs to be.

Common Fears (And Why They're Overblown)

"What if I sound stupid?"

You probably won't. And even if you do say something awkward, your partner is unlikely to care because they're turned on and focused on pleasure, not critiquing your word choices. The reality is that most people are so grateful their partner is communicating at all that the specific words barely matter.

"What if it kills the mood?"

Communication enhances the mood far more often than it kills it. What actually kills the mood is silent confusion about what the other person wants, or one person having terrible sex while the other has no idea.

"What if my partner thinks I'm weird?"

If you're worried about judgment, start slow. Begin with simple positive feedback before moving to more explicit language. But also: if you're in a relationship with someone who judges you for expressing desire or trying to communicate about sex, that's a bigger issue than dirty talk.

"I don't know what to say."

Start with what's true. What are you actually feeling? What do you actually want? You don't need creative language—just honest expression. "This feels good" is both simple and effective.

When Your Partner Doesn't Talk Back

What if you start communicating during sex and your partner stays silent?

First, don't assume it means they're not into it. Some people are just quieter during sex, or they need more time to get comfortable with verbal expression. Keep doing what you're doing, and over time they may start to open up.

Second, you can gently encourage them: "I love when you tell me what feels good" or "It's so hot when you talk to me during sex." Let them know their words turn you on—that's often all the encouragement someone needs.

Third, ask questions that invite short, simple responses. "Does this feel good?" is much easier to answer than trying to come up with something sexy to say unprompted.

And finally, if your partner genuinely doesn't want to talk during sex, respect that. Not everyone is going to be a dirty talker, and that's okay. You can still communicate your needs without requiring them to be equally vocal.

The Real Benefit

Here's what we want you to understand: the goal of talking during sex isn't to perform. It's not about sounding like anything or living up to any standard.

The goal is to be present with your partner, to share what you're experiencing, and to create a feedback loop where you're both actively shaping the experience together rather than just hoping it works out.

When you talk during sex, you're collaborating. You're co-creating pleasure instead of just having things happen to you or doing things to someone else in silence, hoping you're getting it right.

That collaboration—that vulnerability and trust and real-time communication—is what transforms sex from just a physical act into genuine intimacy.

And yes, once you get comfortable with it, it's also really, really hot.

So start small. Send a text. Give simple feedback. Ask a question. Let yourself be awkward at first.

Because on the other side of that awkwardness is a whole new level of connection and pleasure that's absolutely worth it.

Ready to deepen communication and intimacy with your partner?

Download the Coelle app for guided conversations about desire, pleasure, and trying new things together. Because the best sex happens when you can talk about it openly—in and out of the bedroom.