Creating a Sexual Bucket List: How to Explore Desires with Your Partner
- Coelle
- Nov 7
- 7 min read
A sexual bucket list is exactly what it sounds like: a list of sexual experiences, fantasies, or adventures you'd like to try at some point in your life or relationship. It's a way to articulate desires, spark conversations, and give yourselves permission to dream about what your sex life could include.
Creating one with your partner can be exciting, connecting, and eye-opening. It can also be awkward, vulnerable, and challenging if you discover your lists look very different.
But when approached thoughtfully, a sexual bucket list becomes more than just a to-do list—it's a tool for deepening intimacy, understanding each other's desires, and keeping curiosity alive in your relationship.
Let's talk about how to create one together, what to include, and how to use it in ways that enhance rather than pressure your sexual connection.
Why Create a Sexual Bucket List?
It opens conversations about desires.
Many couples never explicitly discuss what they're curious about sexually. A bucket list gives you structure and permission to have those conversations without feeling like you're making demands or confessing weird fantasies.
It reveals shared interests.
You might discover you're both curious about the same things and just never mentioned it. Finding alignment in desires creates excitement and momentum for exploration.
It creates anticipation.
Having things to look forward to—experiences you've agreed to try together—builds anticipation that can enhance your current sex life, not just future encounters.
It normalizes sexual curiosity.
Creating a list together sends the message that it's healthy and normal to be curious about sex, to want new experiences, and to keep evolving sexually throughout your relationship.
It helps you prioritize what matters.
When you articulate what you actually want to try versus what you're ambivalent about, you get clarity on where to focus your sexual energy and exploration.
It's a relationship check-in tool.
Revisiting your list periodically lets you see how your desires have evolved, what you've accomplished together, and what new curiosities have emerged.
How to Create Your Lists
Start individually.
Each person creates their own list privately first. This gives you space to be honest without worrying about immediate reactions or judgment.
Use categories to spark ideas.
Don't just stare at a blank page. Consider categories like:
New locations (beyond the bedroom)
Different times of day
Specific acts you're curious about
Relationship dynamics to explore (power exchange, role-play)
Toys or tools you'd like to incorporate
Fantasies or scenarios
Ways to connect emotionally during sex
Non-sexual intimacy experiences that enhance sex life
Include a range of "difficulty levels."
Have some items that are easy and could happen tomorrow (sex with music playing, trying a new position) alongside bigger adventures (weekend away at a hotel, exploring something you've never done before).
Be honest about curiosity versus must-haves.
Distinguish between "I'm mildly curious about this" and "This is really important to me." You might mark items with different priority levels: must-try, would like to try, curious but not essential.
Consider the "why" behind each item.
For bigger or more vulnerable desires, note why it interests you. "I want to try blindfolding because I'm curious about heightened sensation and trust" gives your partner context.
Sharing Your Lists
Set the right context.
Pick a time when you're both relaxed, not stressed, and have privacy. Maybe over a glass of wine, on a weekend morning, or during a long drive. Don't spring this on your partner randomly or during an argument about your sex life.
Agree on ground rules first.
Before sharing, agree:
We won't judge or shame each other for what's on our lists
We'll ask questions to understand, not criticize
Nothing on the list obligates the other person
We'll focus on shared interests and genuine curiosity, not pressure
We can update our lists as we learn and grow
Share gradually.
You don't have to reveal your entire list at once. Start with easier, less vulnerable items to build comfort before sharing the things that feel riskier.
Explain the context.
As you share items, explain what appeals to you about them. This helps your partner understand your desires beyond just the acts themselves.
Listen without defensiveness.
When your partner shares their list, your job is to listen and understand—not to immediately say yes or no to everything, and not to take their curiosities as criticism of what you currently do.
Look for overlap first.
Identify the things you're both interested in. These become your starting points—the experiences you can pursue without much negotiation because you're both excited.
Discuss differences with curiosity.
For items where your lists don't align, ask questions: "Tell me more about why that interests you" or "What about that appeals to you?" Understanding doesn't obligate you to participate, but it creates intimacy.
What Might Go On Your List
Here are examples across different "adventure levels":
Easy wins (could try tonight):
Sex with music playing
Trying a new position
Sex somewhere other than the bed
Longer foreplay
Making out like teenagers
Morning sex instead of evening
Trying a new type of lubricant
Reading erotica together
Moderate adventures (require some planning):
Using a toy together
Trying sensual massage
Role-playing a scenario
Weekend away at a nice hotel
Sex outdoors in a private setting
Exploring light bondage
Making a sex playlist together
Taking intimate photos (for yourselves only)
Bigger explorations (require trust and communication):
Exploring power dynamics
Attending a workshop or class about sexuality together
Trying something significantly outside your comfort zone
Multi-sensory experiences (blindfolds, temperature play, etc.)
Extended sessions focused entirely on one person's pleasure
Exploring fantasies you've never voiced before
Non-sexual intimacy that enhances sex:
Regular date nights
Dancing together
Couples massage class
Vulnerable conversations about desires
Building daily physical affection
Creating bedtime rituals
How to Use Your Bucket List
Revisit it together regularly.
Don't create the list and forget about it. Check in every few months: what have you tried? What went well? What didn't? What new things do you want to add?
Pick items together.
Don't unilaterally decide "tonight we're doing item #7." Choose together: "Which of these shared items should we try next?" or "I'm feeling adventurous—want to pick something from our lists?"
Start with shared enthusiasms.
Lead with items you're both excited about. Success builds confidence for trying things where one person is more curious than the other.
Check in during and after.
Update your lists based on experiences.
After trying something, note whether you want to repeat it, try variations, or remove it from the list. Your desires will evolve with experience.
Don't make it a checklist to rush through.
This isn't a race to complete your lists. It's a living document that guides exploration over months or years. Some items might take years to try. Some might never happen. That's fine.
Add new items as you discover them.
As you try things, you'll discover new curiosities. Keep adding to your lists as your sexuality evolves.
Navigating Differences
When one person wants something the other doesn't:
This is the most challenging aspect. Here's how to handle it:
The "maybe" compromise: If one person is interested and the other is uncertain (not opposed, just unsure), agree to research it together, talk about it more, and revisit the question later. Many "maybes" become "yes" with time and understanding.
The "I'll try it for you" compromise: Sometimes one partner is willing to try something they're not particularly into because they love their partner's enthusiasm. This can work IF both people are genuinely comfortable with this dynamic and it doesn't breed resentment.
The respectful "no": Some items on your list will be hard nos for your partner. Accept this with grace. Their boundaries matter more than your bucket list. You can express disappointment without pressure: "I'm bummed, but I respect your boundary."
The creative alternative: If they're not into exactly what you want, ask: "Is there a version of this you would be comfortable with?" You might find middle ground.
What Not to Do With Your Bucket List
Don't use it to pressure your partner.
"But it's on my bucket list" is not a valid argument for why your partner should do something they don't want to do. The list is a conversation starter, not a contract.
Don't take their lack of interest as personal rejection.
If your partner isn't interested in something on your list, it's not about you. It's about their preferences and boundaries. Don't spiral into "they don't really want me."
Don't compare lists and keep score.
"I'm willing to try three things from your list but you'll only try one from mine" turns intimacy into transaction. Focus on mutual desire and genuine curiosity, not fairness calculations.
Don't share your partner's list with others.
This is private, vulnerable information. Don't tell your friends what's on your partner's sexual bucket list. That's a betrayal of trust.
Don't treat it as a to-do list you must complete.
Some items might stay on your list forever as fantasies you never actually pursue. That's completely fine. Permission to fantasize is valuable even without action.
When Bucket Lists Reveal Bigger Issues
Sometimes creating lists together surfaces difficult realizations:
Fundamental incompatibility.
If your lists have almost zero overlap and you're both dismayed by what the other person wants, that might indicate sexual incompatibility worth addressing honestly.
Significant desire discrepancy.
If one list is extensive and adventurous while the other is minimal and basic, it might reveal different levels of interest in sexual exploration that need discussion.
Unspoken resentments.
If sharing lists leads to arguments or defensiveness, there might be underlying relationship issues that need addressing before you focus on sexual bucket lists.
In these situations, consider couples therapy to work through the bigger picture before focusing on specific sexual goals.
The Bottom Line
A sexual bucket list is a tool for exploration, conversation, and keeping curiosity alive in your relationship. It's not a performance checklist or a way to pressure your partner into things they don't want.
The best bucket lists are:
Created with honesty and vulnerability
Shared with respect and curiosity
Used as inspiration, not obligation
Revisited and updated regularly
Focused on shared joy rather than individual demands
Your list doesn't have to be adventurous or long. It just has to be honest about what you're curious about exploring together.
And remember: the goal isn't to check off every item. The goal is to keep talking about sex, to maintain curiosity about each other, and to create a relationship where desire and exploration continue to grow.
Some of your best sexual experiences might not even be on the list yet. Stay open to discovering them together.
Ready to explore desires and deepen intimacy with your partner?
Download the Coelle app for conversation guides on discussing fantasies, creating shared goals for your sex life, and maintaining curiosity and connection throughout your relationship.
Comments