Books and Influences

I first read Deida in 2018 and it changed how I understood the specific quality of presence that creates erotic charge in a long-term relationship. Here are five concrete ways men can ignite their masculine essence — not as performance, but as genuine cultivation of what polarity actually requires.

I prepare for almost everything that matters — Ironman races, presentations, coaching sessions. And then I'd walk into the bedroom and wing it. John Wineland's observation that we prepare for everything except intimacy is both obvious and genuinely revelatory. Here's what intentional preparation actually looks like.

In the middle of a disagreement, most of us are asking the wrong question. John Wineland's devotion framework offers a better one: what liberates love right now? Here's the three-stage conflict framework behind it, and what changes when you make this the animating question of your relationship.

My somatic coach guided me through an eye gazing exercise — not with Brittney, but with her. What I brought home afterward changed what was possible in our intimate life. Here's what ethically outsourcing parts of your intimacy actually means and why the professional container produces capacities that the primary relationship alone often can't.

There was a period where Brittney was my entire relational world — and I told myself it was intimacy. What I've learned since is that it was also a burden. Esther Perel's framework for what we've done to modern marriage explains why your spouse cannot be everything — and what changes when you stop expecting them to be.

The specific model of monogamous marriage we've inherited — one person expected to be your lover, best friend, therapist, co-parent, and spiritual companion simultaneously — is a historically unprecedented set of expectations layered onto a single relationship. Here's how we got here, what it's costing us, and what couples who do this well actually do differently.

"Somatic" appears throughout the intimacy space with growing frequency — and gets used loosely enough that it's worth clarifying what it actually means. Here's what somatic sex therapy involves, how it differs from talk-based approaches, and how to find a legitimate practitioner in a space that requires genuine due diligence.

AI has become a first stop for sexual health questions that people previously asked no one. Some of what it offers is genuinely valuable. Here's an honest assessment of what AI does well in the intimacy space, what it fundamentally cannot replicate, and why the distinction matters for anyone doing serious work on their intimate life.

Lust and romance feel like they should go together — and in long-term relationships, they're often quietly working against each other. Dr. Jack Morin's framework from The Erotic Mind explains why, and what couples can do about it.

Holotropic Breathwork isn't a relaxation technique. Developed by psychiatrist Stanislav Grof at Esalen in the 1970s as an alternative to psychedelic therapy, it accesses a depth of somatic and psychological territory that few other practices can reach — including the shame and body armoring that quietly limits genuine intimacy.

I was watching a YouTube video recently — Celeste Hirschman, co-founder of the Somatica Institute and one of the sharper voices in embodied sexuality work, coaching a male client through something he was visibly struggling with. He kept defaulting to his partner's experience, orienting everything toward her pleasure, her response, her satisfaction. Classic good-guy behavior. The kind of thing that looks like generosity on the surface.

I grew up in a house where the body below the belt didn't exist. Not literally, obviously — but in terms of what was talked about, acknowledged, or treated as anything other than a source of potential sin, that part of me was essentially absent from the conversation. Sex was something that happened in the dark, that you didn't discuss, that carried a weight of shame so thoroughly baked in that I didn't even notice I was carrying it until well into adulthood.

David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man is one of the most recommended — and most misunderstood — books on desire in long-term relationships. Here's an honest look at what he actually got right, what deserves scrutiny, and what it means for real couples.