How Sex-Positive Couples Actually Think About Masturbation in Marriage

There's a topic that creates unnecessary shame and confusion in many marriages: masturbation. Specifically, whether it's okay to masturbate when you're in a committed relationship, and what it means if you or your partner does.

The cultural messaging is contradictory and confusing. Some sources say masturbation in marriage indicates dissatisfaction with your partner or sex life. Others say it's completely normal and healthy. Some people feel guilty about masturbating, like they're cheating or keeping secrets. Others feel rejected when they discover their partner masturbates, interpreting it as evidence that they're not enough.

Meanwhile, sex-positive couples who've figured out how to navigate sexuality in long-term relationships tend to have completely different approaches to masturbation. They don't see it as competition with partnered sex. They don't interpret their partner's masturbation as rejection. They've separated masturbation from shame and integrated it into their understanding of sexuality in ways that often strengthen rather than threaten their intimate connection.

I'm in my late 40's, married to Brittney for years, and we've had to work through our own assumptions and insecurities around masturbation. What I've learned from our experience and from conversations with hundreds of couples is that masturbation in marriage is common, normal, and usually has nothing to do with dissatisfaction—but it requires communication, honesty, and letting go of some deeply ingrained shame and misconceptions.

This is about understanding how couples navigate masturbation without shame or secrecy, and why a healthier approach to solo sexuality often creates better partnered sexuality.

The Cultural Confusion About Masturbation in Marriage

Before exploring what sex-positive couples do differently, it's worth understanding why so much confusion exists around this topic.

Religious and cultural messaging often positions masturbation as shameful, sinful, or immature. People raised with these messages may intellectually reject them while still carrying emotional shame. The belief that you shouldn't need masturbation once you're married is pervasive. The logic is that your partner should meet all your sexual needs, so masturbation indicates something is wrong.

Many people believe that masturbation is about attraction to other people through porn or fantasy, which feels like a form of cheating or disloyalty. The secrecy around masturbation makes it feel like betrayal. If your partner is masturbating without telling you, that secrecy can feel like lying or hiding something important.

Some people interpret their partner's masturbation as rejection. If they masturbate instead of initiating sex with you, it must mean they don't desire you or prefer solo sex to partnered sex. There's confusion about whether masturbation affects partnered sex. Does it reduce desire for your partner? Does it use up sexual energy that should be directed toward your spouse?

Women's masturbation in particular carries extra shame. Cultural messages about women's sexuality being responsive rather than autonomous, or that "good women" don't masturbate, create additional guilt. All of this confusion means many couples never discuss masturbation openly. They don't know if their partner masturbates, they don't share their own habits, and assumptions fill the silence.

What Sex-Positive Couples Understand Differently

Couples who've developed healthy approaches to masturbation in their relationship tend to share certain understandings that differ from common assumptions.

They understand that masturbation meets different needs than partnered sex. Solo sex is about personal pleasure, stress relief, sleep aid, or simple physical release. Partnered sex is about connection, intimacy, mutual pleasure, and emotional bonding. These are different experiences serving different purposes. Neither replaces the other.

Sex-positive couples recognize that sexual desire doesn't always align with partner availability or energy. Sometimes you're aroused but your partner is exhausted, sick, traveling, or just not in the mood. Masturbation addresses your desire without creating pressure on your partner to have sex when they don't want to.

They've separated masturbation from dissatisfaction. The fact that your partner masturbates doesn't mean they're unsatisfied with your sex life any more than snacking between meals means you're unsatisfied with dinner. It's just a different type of sexual expression. These couples understand that solo sexuality and partnered sexuality can coexist and even enhance each other. Learning what you enjoy through masturbation makes you a better communicator about what feels good during partnered sex.

They've let go of the idea that one person should meet all of another person's needs. Sexual needs, emotional needs, social needs—no single person can be everything. Having some autonomous sexuality through masturbation is healthy rather than threatening. Sex-positive couples recognize that fantasy during masturbation is normal and doesn't indicate desire to act on those fantasies or dissatisfaction with their partner.

They've made masturbation something that can be discussed openly rather than kept secret. This openness removes the shame and the feeling of betrayal that secrecy creates. They understand that libido and desire patterns are individual. Some people have higher sex drives, some have responsive desire that doesn't include solo arousal, some masturbate frequently and others rarely. These differences are normal variation, not problems.

Why Masturbation Doesn't Compete With Partnered Sex

One of the biggest misconceptions is that masturbation takes away from partnered sex—that if you masturbate, you'll have less desire for sex with your partner.

For most people, sexual expression in one form doesn't diminish desire for other forms. Masturbation doesn't use up some finite amount of sexual energy. If anything, regular sexual expression of any kind often increases overall sexual appetite. Masturbation often serves purposes that partnered sex doesn't efficiently serve. Quick release before sleep, stress relief during the day, addressing arousal when your partner isn't available—these needs aren't well met by waiting for partnered sex.

The pleasure of masturbation is fundamentally different from partnered sex. Masturbation is efficient, familiar, and entirely self-focused. Partnered sex involves connection, surprise, mutual pleasure, and emotional intimacy. These different experiences appeal at different times. For many people, masturbation actually increases desire for partnered sex because it maintains sexual awareness and arousal patterns. People who never masturbate sometimes find their sexuality becomes dormant, which decreases desire for partnered sex.

Masturbation allows you to explore your own response patterns, preferences, and fantasies in ways that inform and improve partnered sex. You learn what touch, rhythm, and pressure work for you, which you can then communicate to your partner. For some people, orgasm through masturbation is more reliable than orgasm during partnered sex. This is particularly true for women. Being able to orgasm reliably through masturbation reduces pressure during partnered sex, which paradoxically often makes partnered orgasm more likely.

The competition narrative assumes that people have a fixed amount of sexual interest and masturbation uses some of it up. But sexuality is more generative—use tends to create more desire rather than depleting it.

The Role of Communication and Honesty

What distinguishes sex-positive couples' approach to masturbation most clearly is their ability to discuss it openly.

They've had explicit conversations about masturbation rather than making assumptions. Do you masturbate? How often? What purpose does it serve for you? Do you use porn or fantasy? How do you feel about me masturbating? These conversations happen outside the bedroom in non-charged moments.

They share information about their habits without shame or defensiveness. "I masturbate a few times a week, usually when you're asleep or when I'm stressed during the day" is stated as simple fact rather than confession. They ask questions with genuine curiosity rather than accusation. "What do you enjoy about masturbation?" or "Does it serve a different purpose than sex with me?" opens understanding rather than creating defensiveness.

These couples address insecurities that arise directly. If one partner feels rejected or inadequate because the other masturbates, that's discussed openly. "When you masturbate instead of coming to me, I feel like you don't desire me. Can we talk about that?" brings the feeling into the open where it can be addressed.

They establish any boundaries or preferences they have about masturbation. Some couples are comfortable with porn use, others aren't. Some like knowing when their partner masturbates, others prefer privacy. Some enjoy mutual masturbation, others don't. These preferences are discussed and respected. They check in periodically about whether their approach is still working. "We agreed you'd let me know if my masturbation frequency was bothering you. How are you feeling about everything?" prevents assumptions from building.

The openness itself is what creates security. When masturbation is secret, it feels like hiding something wrong. When it's openly discussed, it's just one aspect of your sexuality rather than a shameful secret.

When Masturbation Actually Indicates Problems

While masturbation is usually healthy and normal, there are situations where patterns around it genuinely indicate relationship issues that need addressing.

If someone masturbates regularly but consistently avoids or refuses partnered sex, that's worth examining. The pattern suggests they prefer solo sex to partnered sex, which might indicate relationship problems, past trauma affecting partnered sexuality, or other issues that need attention. If masturbation interferes with daily functioning—someone is masturbating so frequently that work, relationships, or responsibilities suffer—that indicates compulsive behavior that might need professional support.

If one partner uses masturbation to avoid addressing desire discrepancy or sexual problems in the relationship, that avoidance needs to be confronted. Masturbating instead of communicating about unmet needs doesn't solve anything. If porn use during masturbation creates unrealistic expectations for partnered sex, affects how you view your partner, or becomes a requirement for arousal even during partnered sex, those are legitimate concerns worth addressing.

If one partner feels they must keep masturbation completely secret because they fear their partner's reaction, that secrecy indicates relationship issues around trust, communication, or sexual shame that need work. If masturbation is used to avoid emotional intimacy—choosing solo sexuality specifically to avoid the vulnerability of partnered sex—that's worth exploring.

If one partner's masturbation frequency genuinely leaves them uninterested in partnered sex to the point where the other partner's needs aren't being met, that's a real problem. The key distinction is between masturbation that coexists healthily with partnered sex versus masturbation that replaces partnered sex or indicates relationship dysfunction.

Different Approaches That Work for Different Couples

Sex-positive couples don't all handle masturbation the same way. There are several approaches that work, and what matters is finding what works for your specific relationship.

Some couples practice complete openness where both partners freely discuss when they masturbate, what they think about, whether they use porn. This radical transparency works for couples where both people are comfortable with that level of sharing. Other couples maintain privacy where each person's masturbation is their own business. They know it happens, they've discussed it generally, but they don't share details about frequency or content. This works for couples who value some autonomous sexuality.

Other couples enjoy mutual masturbation as part of their partnered sex life. Watching each other or masturbating simultaneously becomes an intimate shared activity rather than something solo. Other couples have guidelines about when masturbation is appropriate. Maybe it's fine when you're apart or when one person isn't available, but if you choose masturbation over available partnered sex, that's worth discussing.

And in some cases, couples use masturbation as part of managing desire discrepancy. The higher libido partner masturbates to address some of their sexual needs without creating constant pressure on the lower libido partner for sex. Some couples have rules about porn use during masturbation—maybe it's fine, maybe it's not, maybe certain types are acceptable. Whatever the rule, it's explicitly discussed and agreed upon.

Finall, some couples encourage each other to masturbate as a form of self-care. "You seem stressed, why don't you take some time for yourself?" treats masturbation as healthy stress relief. The key is that whatever approach you take is mutually agreed upon, discussed openly, and adjusted when needed rather than assumed or secret.

The Gender Dynamics Around Masturbation

Masturbation carries different cultural baggage for men and women, which affects how couples navigate it.

Men's masturbation is often assumed and expected, but it can still create issues. Women sometimes feel inadequate or rejected when they discover their partner masturbates frequently, interpreting it as evidence they're not attractive enough or not sexually available enough. Men may feel shame about porn use during masturbation even though they feel entitled to masturbate generally.

Women's masturbation often carries more shame. Cultural messages that women's sexuality should be responsive rather than autonomous, or that women don't have solo sexual needs, create guilt about masturbation even when intellectually women reject these messages. Partners sometimes feel threatened by women's masturbation, particularly if toys are involved. The implication that she can please herself better than he can please her creates insecurity.

Women who masturbate regularly often report better sexual satisfaction in their relationships, but they may hide the masturbation because of shame or fear of partner reaction. Men may assume their female partner doesn't masturbate because she doesn't mention it, leading to surprises when they discover otherwise.

In sex-positive couples, both partners' masturbation is treated as legitimate regardless of gender. The cultural double standards are explicitly rejected. If a woman masturbates frequently and her partner doesn't, that's just their individual pattern rather than indication that something is wrong. If a man masturbates more than his female partner wants partnered sex, that's discussed as a desire discrepancy to navigate rather than him being perverted or demanding.

Masturbation and Desire Discrepancy

For couples with mismatched libidos, masturbation often becomes a crucial tool for managing the difference.

The higher libido partner can address some of their sexual needs through masturbation without creating constant pressure on the lower libido partner. This removes some of the tension around frequency while maintaining partnered sex when both people want it. The lower libido partner can encourage their partner to masturbate rather than feeling guilty about not wanting sex as often. "I'm not up for sex tonight, but I want you to feel satisfied" removes the pressure and guilt on both sides.

Masturbation allows the higher libido partner to have sexual release without the lower libido partner feeling they always have to accommodate. This can actually increase the lower libido partner's desire for partnered sex because they're not in constant defensive mode about being pursued.

For this to work, both partners need to be explicit that masturbation is an acceptable option for addressing desire discrepancy. If the lower libido partner interprets masturbation as rejection or the higher libido partner interprets being "sent" to masturbate as rejection, resentment builds. The framing matters enormously. Masturbation should be positioned as one tool among many for managing libido differences, not as replacement for partnered sex or for addressing why the discrepancy exists.

If the lower libido partner is experiencing lack of desire due to medical issues, relationship problems, or other factors, those need to be addressed rather than just expecting the higher libido partner to handle it all through masturbation. Masturbation helps manage the day-to-day reality of desire mismatch, but it doesn't solve underlying issues that need attention.

When Masturbation Becomes Mutual

Some couples discover that incorporating masturbation into partnered sex creates new forms of intimacy and pleasure.

Mutual masturbation where you masturbate in each other's presence can be intensely intimate. You're each responsible for your own pleasure while being witnessed by your partner. This removes performance pressure while maintaining connection. Watching your partner masturbate teaches you what touch, rhythm, and pressure they enjoy. This education transfers to how you touch them during partnered sex.

For some couples, mutual masturbation becomes a form of sex when full partnered sex isn't appealing. Maybe one person is tired, or recovering from illness, or you don't have much time. Mutual masturbation provides sexual connection without the energy or time that intercourse requires.

Some couples incorporate one partner masturbating while the other provides support, encouragement, or touch. This can be erotic for both people while ensuring one person's orgasm without requiring full partnered sex. Talking about fantasies while masturbating, either solo or mutually, can deepen intimacy and understanding of each other's desires.

For couples where one partner struggles to orgasm during partnered sex, integrating masturbation into partnered encounters ensures that person's satisfaction. They can masturbate to orgasm while their partner is involved rather than faking it or going without.

Not all couples enjoy mutual masturbation, and that's fine. But for couples who do explore it, it often becomes a valued part of their intimate repertoire rather than something separate from partnered sexuality.

The Practical Realities of Privacy and Boundaries

Even in couples where masturbation is openly discussed and accepted, navigating practical aspects requires some agreement.

Questions about privacy naturally arise. Do you masturbate when your partner is home? In bed next to them while they sleep? Only when you're alone? These preferences vary, and couples need to discuss what feels comfortable. Some people want complete privacy and find it uncomfortable to masturbate with their partner potentially aware. Others don't mind if their partner knows it's happening.

Boundaries around where masturbation happens matter. Some couples are fine with it happening in shared spaces. Others prefer it happens in the bathroom or when one person is out of the house. Communication about what feels respectful is important.

The logistics of porn use if that's part of masturbation habits need discussion. Is it fine to watch porn on shared devices? Should history be cleared? Are there types of porn that would hurt the other person if they discovered them? What about paid content versus free? These practical questions deserve explicit answers rather than assumptions.

Frequency becomes a question when one partner's masturbation affects their availability or energy for partnered sex. If you masturbate every morning and that means you're not interested in sex with your partner for days afterward, that's worth discussing. If masturbation is interfering with partnered sex, some adjustment may be needed.

The balance between privacy and secrecy is delicate. You deserve privacy around your solo sexuality, but extensive secrecy that involves lying or hiding devices feels different and can damage trust.

Moving Toward a Healthier Approach

If you're in a relationship where masturbation creates shame, secrecy, or conflict, moving toward a healthier approach requires specific steps.

Have an explicit conversation about masturbation outside the bedroom and outside charged moments. "I think we should talk about masturbation and how we each feel about it" opens the discussion. Share your own habits first before asking about your partner's. Being vulnerable with your own information makes it safer for them to share. "I masturbate occasionally when I'm stressed or when you're not available" removes shame by stating it matter-of-factly.

Ask questions with genuine curiosity. "What role does masturbation play for you?" "Do you have any concerns about my masturbation or about yours?" "How would you feel about discussing this more openly?" Listen without judgment even if what you hear triggers insecurity.

Address insecurities directly rather than letting them fester. "When I found out you masturbate, I felt rejected. I realize that's my insecurity, but can we talk about it?" Bringing fears into the open allows them to be addressed. Establish what boundaries or agreements you need around masturbation. "I'm comfortable with you masturbating, but I'd prefer you not do it right next to me in bed while I'm sleeping" is a reasonable boundary. "I don't want you masturbating at all" is probably not reasonable unless there are specific issues like compulsion or addiction.

Commit to honesty rather than secrecy. Secrecy creates shame and distance. You don't have to share every detail, but you shouldn't have to hide the fact that you masturbate. Work on separating masturbation from morality. It's not good or bad, it's just a form of sexual expression that most people engage in at various points in their lives.

Check in periodically about whether your approach is working. "We talked about being open about masturbation. How is that feeling for you?" ensures ongoing agreement rather than assuming the first conversation solved everything.

Ready to Develop Healthy Sexual Communication?

Download the Coelle App to access guided experiences that help you explore partnered sexuality with presence and connection—complementing rather than competing with any solo sexuality.

Read "Guided: Why We All Need a Guide in the Bedroom" to understand how to develop sexual communication and mutual understanding that allows both solo and partnered sexuality to coexist healthily.