Should You Abstain From Sex If Your Partner Has Low Libido?

This is one of the most painful questions in relationships with mismatched desire: if your partner has significantly lower libido than you, should you just stop having sex altogether? Stop initiating to avoid making them feel pressured? Accept a sexless relationship to respect their boundaries?

The question usually comes from a place of genuine care. You don't want your partner to feel obligated. You don't want to be "that person" who's always pushing for sex. You're tired of feeling like you're imposing on someone who doesn't want it.

So maybe the solution is to just... stop asking. Stop wanting. Stop making sex an issue between you.

Here's the complicated truth: complete abstinence is almost never the right answer for couples where one partner has lower (but not zero) libido. But neither is maintaining a sexual dynamic where one person feels pressured and the other feels rejected.

Let's unpack this nuanced situation and figure out what actually works.

Why Complete Abstinence Usually Doesn't Work

It doesn't solve the underlying issues.

If you stop having sex to avoid conflict, you haven't actually addressed the mismatched desire, the communication breakdown, or the feelings of rejection and pressure. You've just created a sexless relationship on top of those unresolved problems.

The resentment doesn't disappear—it often grows. The lower-libido partner might feel guilty. The higher-libido partner feels deprived and unwanted. Neither of you is getting what you need.

It changes the fundamental nature of your relationship.

For most romantic partnerships, sexual intimacy is what distinguishes them from deep friendship. Removing sex entirely (when at least one person wants it) transforms the relationship into something different—often something neither person actually wants.

Low libido doesn't mean no libido.

This is crucial. If your partner has LOW libido, they probably do still want sex sometimes—just less frequently than you do. Abstaining entirely means they don't get the sexual connection they DO want and need, just at their preferred frequency.

It creates more distance, not less.

Ironically, avoiding sex to reduce pressure often increases emotional distance. Sexual intimacy creates bonding, vulnerability, and connection. Removing it entirely can make both partners feel more distant and disconnected—which then makes desire even harder to access.

You're making a unilateral decision about your shared sex life.

When the higher-libido partner decides "we're just not having sex anymore," they're taking control of something that should be mutually decided. This creates its own dynamic of resentment and powerlessness.

It can enable avoidance of addressing the real issue.

Complete abstinence can become a way to avoid the difficult work of understanding what's causing low libido, working on intimacy, or having uncomfortable conversations about needs and compromise.

When Abstinence Might Actually Be Appropriate

There are specific situations where temporarily or permanently reducing or eliminating sex makes sense:

When sex is causing physical pain or trauma responses.

If the lower-libido partner is experiencing pain during sex, or if they have trauma that's being triggered, taking sex off the table while you address these issues is necessary and compassionate.

When one partner genuinely has zero desire and finds sex aversive.

This is different from low libido. If your partner is actually sex-averse or asexual and experiences distress at the thought of sex, continuing to have sex is harmful. This situation requires honest conversation about whether the relationship can work long-term.

As a temporary reset while working on issues.

Sometimes taking penetrative sex off the table for a defined period (a few weeks or months) while you work on intimacy, communication, or underlying problems can reduce pressure and help you rebuild connection. But this should be intentional and time-limited, not indefinite avoidance.

When the lower-libido partner requests it for specific reasons.

If they're dealing with medical issues, healing from childbirth, managing a mental health crisis, or other temporary situations where they need sex off the table—respecting that boundary makes sense. But with a plan for revisiting it.

When the relationship is fundamentally incompatible.

If one person wants frequent sex as a core relationship need and the other genuinely doesn't want sex at all and never will—abstinence might be the reality while you figure out if the relationship can continue or needs to end.

What Actually Works Better Than Abstinence

Redefine what "sex" means.

Stop thinking of sex as only penetrative intercourse. Oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, sensual touch, making out—all of these are forms of sexual intimacy that might feel less demanding for the lower-libido partner while still meeting the higher-libido partner's need for connection and pleasure.

When you expand the definition, you create more options that work for both people.

Find a compromise frequency that honors both needs.

Have an honest conversation: "I'd ideally like sex 3-4 times per week. You'd prefer once every two weeks. Can we find a middle ground that feels okay for both of us?"

Maybe that's once a week. Maybe it's twice a week where one time is full sex and one time is other forms of intimacy. The specific number matters less than both people feeling heard and considered.

Address the root causes of low libido.

Instead of accepting low libido as unchangeable, investigate what's causing it:

• Stress and exhaustion

• Hormonal changes or medication side effects

• Relationship resentment or disconnection

• Body image issues or insecurity

• Past trauma or negative sexual experiences

• Depression or anxiety

• Physical health problems

Many of these are addressable. Working on them is more productive than just accepting a sexless relationship.

Create conditions where desire is more likely to emerge.

The lower-libido partner's desire might increase when:

• They're less stressed and have more energy

• Emotional connection is strong

• They feel desired and appreciated (not just sexually)

• Sex is associated with pleasure, not pressure or obligation

• They have time to transition from daily life to sexual space

• Physical touch happens outside sexual contexts too

Both partners can work on creating these conditions.

Establish different types of intimate encounters.

Not every sexual encounter needs to be a full production. Have a repertoire:

• Quickies: Fast, simple, low-effort sex

• Full connection sex: Longer, more intimate, emotionally connected encounters

• Maintenance sex: Meeting physical needs without huge buildup

• Sensual time: Physical intimacy without expectation of orgasm or sex

• Solo together: Mutual masturbation or being sexual near each other

Having options reduces pressure and gives the lower-libido partner ways to participate that feel manageable.

Practice responsive desire awareness.

Many people with "low libido" actually have responsive desire—they don't feel turned on until sexual activity starts. Understanding this means the higher-libido partner doesn't interpret lack of spontaneous desire as rejection, and the lower-libido partner is willing to "get started" knowing desire often follows.

Schedule intimacy without pressure.

Scheduled sex often works better for lower-libido partners because they can mentally prepare and don't feel ambushed. The key is scheduling "intimate time" not necessarily "sex"—removing the pressure while creating space for connection.

Both partners need to compromise.

The higher-libido partner compromises by accepting less frequent sex than ideal. The lower-libido partner compromises by engaging in sex/intimacy more often than they spontaneously desire. Both people give something to meet in the middle.

This only works if neither person feels martyred about their compromise.

The Conversation You Need to Have

If you're considering abstinence or already in a sexless relationship, you need this conversation:

For the higher-libido partner to say: "I miss feeling sexually connected to you. I don't want you to feel pressured, but I also don't want to live in a relationship with no physical intimacy. Can we talk about what would work for both of us?"

For the lower-libido partner to say: "I know my low libido is hard on you, and I feel guilty about that. I do want to maintain connection with you, but [what you need in order for that to happen—less pressure, different approach, addressing specific issues, whatever is true]."

Together you explore:

• What's causing the low libido—is it fixable or manageable?

• What kind of intimacy does the lower-libido partner actually want, and how often?

• What does the higher-libido partner need to feel connected and desired?

• What compromises can you both make to meet somewhere in the middle?

• What needs to change in your relationship dynamics, stress levels, or approach to intimacy?

• Do you need professional help (therapy, medical evaluation) to address this?

What Doesn't Help

Pressure and guilt.

"We haven't had sex in weeks" as an accusation only makes the lower-libido partner feel worse and desire even less. Nobody wants to have sex with someone who's keeping score and making them feel inadequate.

Withdrawal and resentment.

Shutting down emotionally, being cold, or punishing your partner for low libido destroys connection and makes everything worse.

Comparison to other couples.

"My friend's wife wants sex all the time" or "Normal couples have sex X times per week" is weaponizing someone else's experience against your partner. Every couple is different.

Assuming it's about you.

Low libido is rarely about lack of attraction to you specifically (unless the relationship itself has serious problems). It's usually about stress, hormones, health, mental state, or how someone's desire naturally works.

Making it all about frequency.

If you're only focused on "how often" and not on quality, connection, and both people's satisfaction when sex does happen, you're missing the bigger picture.

Accepting a sexless relationship while building resentment.

Some people think they're being noble by accepting no sex and never complaining. But if you're seething with resentment inside, that's not actually respecting your partner—it's passive-aggressive martyrdom that poisons the relationship.

When Professional Help Is Needed

Consider seeing a sex therapist or couples counselor if:

• You've tried to address this on your own and nothing is improving

• The low libido is causing significant distress to one or both of you

• You can't have conversations about sex without them becoming fights

• There's underlying trauma, medical issues, or mental health concerns affecting libido

• You're considering ending the relationship over sexual incompatibility

• One partner is considering or engaging in infidelity due to unmet needs

• You want to make your relationship work but don't know how to bridge this gap

Sex therapy isn't about forcing the lower-libido partner to want more sex. It's about helping both people understand what's happening, communicate better, and find solutions that work for both.

The Hard Truth About Sexual Compatibility

Sometimes, after doing all the work—communicating, compromising, addressing root causes, trying different approaches—you discover that you're fundamentally sexually incompatible.

One person needs regular sexual connection to feel loved and bonded. The other person genuinely doesn't want sex more than occasionally and finds frequent sex burdensome.

This is nobody's fault. But it might be incompatible with a long-term monogamous relationship.

At that point, your options are:

• Accept the mismatch and find ways to meet your needs (which might mean masturbation, accepting frustration, or redefining the relationship)

• Open the relationship (if both people genuinely want this, not just to avoid breaking up)

• End the relationship to find partners better matched to your sexual needs

None of these options is easy. But staying in a relationship where one or both people is miserable isn't sustainable either.

The Bottom Line

Should you abstain from sex if your partner has low libido? Almost certainly no—not completely, not permanently, not as your first or only solution.

What you should do is:

• Understand what's causing the low libido and address what's addressable

• Have honest, non-accusatory conversations about both people's needs

• Find compromises that work for both of you

• Redefine what sex and intimacy can look like

• Create conditions where desire is more likely to emerge for the lower-libido partner

• Seek professional help if you're stuck

  
  

Complete abstinence usually creates more problems than it solves. But so does maintaining a sexual dynamic where one person feels pressured and the other feels rejected.

The goal isn't to force desire that doesn't exist. It's to find a way for both people to feel valued, heard, and satisfied within the reality of who you both are.

Sometimes that's possible. Sometimes it requires significant work and compromise from both people. And sometimes—rarely, but honestly—it means accepting that you want fundamentally different things from a relationship.

But you won't know which situation you're in until you actually address it instead of avoiding it through abstinence.

Struggling with mismatched desire and don't know what to do?

Download the Coelle app for guided conversations about libido differences, exercises for rebuilding intimacy, and expert guidance on finding compromises that honor both partners' needs. Because you don't have to choose between pressure and deprivation—there are better options.